30 years or so ago, I was big and getting bigger. Life was moving forward as I learned who I was. My mistakes were plentiful but my eyes kept opening and I realized a great many things about myself as I worked towards the center of who I was at the time. I didn’t have a life plan in terms of knowing what I wanted to achieve. There was a general view but it gained tangibility as I discovered through the flow of my life, what I did not want to do, who I did not want to be and so on. It was focus by exclusion.
I learned to not be afraid of hard work at a very young age. Our family was poor and we were hard working immigrants. At my parents command, I pitched into the family efforts to sustain us. Dad worked two jobs all his life in trying to provide for us all and also to secure retirement plans for he and mom. He was not educated but he was dedicated and hard working. Not a pleasant man to me, a war vet with untreated PTSD, he was a hard man with a simple view of life which to him was crystal clear. He didn’t tolerate bullshit or insolence. He was proud, honest and stood up for his family no matter what. I grew up completely misunderstanding both my parents and it was not until I had adult enough eyes that I managed to think more clearly about who my parents were and what their lives were about.
Having had the gift of a strong ethic given me by my parents, I knew at the time o fmy young adult years that I could achieve my goals if I worked hard and figured out what I needed to do in order to get there. My goal was to get an education and to live the kind of life that I saw others live on television or in some unreachable reality that the parents of my friends were living. I knew I could reach it but it took a lot of time to keep the faith and to keep to the plan which was fueled by “hard work pays off, fucking the dog does not”.
I often worked several jobs at once, forsaking the party lifestyle that most young adults embrace. Not to misstate anything as I’ve definitely had my share of sowing wild oats, fucking women randomly and quite frankly very often and of course, drinking to excess only to rinse and repeat. Some lessons were hard earned since the appeal of drinking and fucking was so easily realized. I was a great looking young man. Fit, able, had money and charisma, I learned to listen since pick-up lines had never served me any useful purpose. Women were attracted to me and within a few minutes of talking, I knew if I was going to have her that night or not. Having grown up a shy, fat child, sexual attention from beautiful women was an attribute that I was not going to relinquish until I settled down.
Eventually I met the one. With love so pure in our hearts or so I believed. We lived together, loved , supported each other emotionally, married and eventually had children. I didn’t give full attention to understanding my wife of those times as well as I should have. Doing myself this disservice I gladly kept my eyes shut and did not pay attention to the warning signs that eventually would shatter our family and permanently damage all of us.
I now hate her and always will.
Now I’m 51. Divorced. Two of three kids are estranged each with deep psychological problems. I myself have issues of my own. I’m still dealing with the anger of divorce, the blame game is ever a shifting yoyo but I try to face up to my share of the wrong doings. There was so much of it between the both of us.
I’m lost now. Once an athlete I’m now fat. I go to work, I go home and the only thing to look forward to are the weekends that I get to spend with my youngest son. My life currently seems to have no meaning or focus beyond immediate needs. I’m blessed to have the mental facility to keep a really decent job. If I keep it up, my new home will be paid off in about six years and I will be ok for retirement. I don’t have any joy in my life. I’m still deflated and lost. I’ve denied to myself, that deep depression has set in for so very long and I don’t know why I’ve done this. I’m not suicidal but I’m basically coasting and biding my time to see what’s next while I wait to expire and die.
I gave up on dating except to go out on the occasional date so I can have sex. Most women I meet are even more messed up than I am and I have no tolerance for any woman who feels the need to establish the encircling web of servitude due to their privilege of having a vagina. The “you gotta work for it” attitude that’s bred into women from childhood is simply not something I subscribe to. To me, that is where relationships eventually lead to and I will have no further part in any such bullshit. In fact, I dumped a gal about six months ago when she gave off the vibe that her cooter was intended for anything more than our mutual enjoyment. She became demanding and started to withhold the sex we both enjoyed unless she got what she wanted. That’s basically what my ex did for many years so I ended it. I have no patience for manipulation and games. When I was married, I was trapped with such a maniac due to kids and the deep entanglement of our married lives in a foreign country. I foolishly thought we could fix our loveless and turbulent marriage so I hung in there. Divorce was not in my DNA so I didn’t quit. No such connection now so I move on freely without regret. I’m still good looking and pleasant enough so getting laid is not so difficult.
I feel powerless to help my older two kids who are estranged to me, both by choice. Both have basically told me to fuck off and die. I do feel they have been expertly programmed from their very young ages, by their mother who is clearly enjoying her narcissistic personality disorder. Abused for many years by her father with a mom who watched and covered it all up, she herself has walls which even I , after 22 years of marriage don’t understand. I just know they are there.
As they reach adulthood, I hold my older kids accountable for not rethinking all of this in terms of thinking for themselves. Mom makes sure her web is intact. She had an expert teacher, her abusive father, who did the same even into her young adult life. When he died, her only words were “finally I’m free”. She didn’t shed any tears of loss. I didn’t see that as being significant at the time, but I sure wish I had.
The youngest is to me, the strongest. He has chosen not to take sides. He loves both his parents. I’m terrified that he’s also broken but it’s just not visible yet. He’s a blessing to me and I’m both saddened and ashamed that I don’t currently feel that way about my other two kids.
What her( my ex) impact on my kids will be is unknown but in truth, they are already fucked up and I’m too weak to help them. Perhaps it’s pride or ego or self-preservation. No matter how many times I reach out to them, it’s met with non-responsiveness. So I have stopped reaching out at least for now.
My daughter is currently in college just a few months after her third attempt at suicide apparently. I’m convinced that it’s just a matter of time before she succeeds. Her head is still up her ass. She’s 18, and filled with the same stupidity I fostered at her age, making decisions and many of them so very poor.
My older son struggles with OCD, depression. His plate is also so very full. He’s brilliant t and sees that OCD is shrinking his life. He’s still trying to find the strength to deal with it. When he hopefully will see one day, that he can actually steer the course of his life, I’m praying he will be energized to actually make it happen.
I despair at watching their lives unfold in untold ways, perhaps spiraling downwards but feeling so helpless in my inability to help them. Or is it my unwillingness? I just don’t know any more but it’s killing me. I guess if I was a sociopath I could just say fuck it and move. Kind of like my ex did with our family and marriage. So odd that after 22 years, she decided to file instead of working to fix our troubles together. We both needed to change but truthfully she didn’t see it since none of our troubles were even in part contributed to by her in her eyes. And once the divorce was completed, to pretend like there was no married life all. No dialogue, no venting. Nothing except the rudimentary communications regarding children, as required by the divorce decree. And her venting in want of more of my money.
They reject me so I cannot be a part of their lives in the way that a father, in a healthy family is able to do, a seeded effect from my ex-wife’s expert parental alienation techniques. I want to be a part of their lives. I currently am not despite having let them know on numerous occasions that I’m here and will talk when when they wish to. I’m broken and little.
My life fucking sucks.